cwlfandomcom-20200214-history
Book One: The Headcrab King
The first story of Life with Lamarr, running from the 29th January 2009 to 20th March 2009. It serves to set the scene and introduce the main characters. It follows the story of two men's financial troubles, the bureaucrat after them for their late rent and a couple of insane people all out for revenge on different people for different reasons. Cast * Isaac Kleiner - A theoretical physicist and former employee of Black Mesa before it was destroyed by invading aliens and a nuclear bomb. Room-mate to Barney Calhoun. * Barney Calhoun - An Irishman with a penchant for alcohol and former security guard at Black Mesa. * Lamarr - The titular headcrab, pet of Dr. Kleiner. Having been tamed (and de-beaked) it is incapable of turning a person into a zombie. * Wallace Breen - Former administer of Black Mesa, now administer of the entire Earth. Is after Dr. Kleiner due to his late rent payment. * Judith Mossman - Fiancée to Dr. Breen, quite absent minded and has a habit of accidental inserting double entendre into serious conversations. * Earl Beathan - Once an ordinary citizen, now quite insane after spending eight months trapped with the corpse of his brother-in-law Roderick Thanatos. * Roderick Thanatos - Married to Earl's sister, until he died that is, he now spends his time being carried around by Earl. * Arne Magnusson - A former scientist at Black Mesa, driven insane by Dr. Kleiner due to his endless good advice and ruining his date with Judith Mossman. Now goes by alias The Headcrab King. * Xavier Ben Dibble-Redshirt - Worked for a small detective agency, was later killed with lasers. * Mr. Nibbles - A T-Rex clone created by Arne Magnusson, however due to the age of the DNA he suffers from various genetic diseases. * Noodles - A headcrab raised by Magnusson himself to serve as his body guard, is green due to a diet of cabbages and lime Jell-o, is also skilled with Katanas. * Nancy Longfigger - Dr. Breen's right-hand woman, dreams of removing Judith Mossman from the picture so she can have Breen to herself. * Slim Pickles - A recurring gag character, who only ever speaks the same line: "Best Breencast EVER!" * Billy Bullsquid - Street musician to the people of City 17, likes to sing protest songs about Dr. Breen. Episodes |EpiNo = 15 |Image = |Date = 2nd March 2009 |Length = |Description = Barney is rescued by an unlikely aide, but both are confronted by Noodles, Magnusson's combat-trained headcrab. |Cubbage = Hurrah! Saved at the last moment by Lamarr! Wait, what? How the bally hell did that happen? Where did that rope come from? Why on earth - what's that? Hang on - oh. My producer is telling me to put a jolly old sock in it. Better had, I suppose. }} |EpiNo = 16 |Image = |Date = 4th March 2009 |Length = |Description = An epic battle of good and evil takes place between two headcrabs, and Barney's French ancestry shines through. |Cubbage = This is what we want! A bit of derring-do, the clash of cold steel as two mighty warriors face each other off in a battle of honour! That's right, cully - honour with a 'U'! Because I speak the Queen's bloomin' English, by Jove! }} |EpiNo = 17 |Image = |Date = 6th March 2009 |Length = |Description = Dissatisfied with mere Youtube celebrity status, Breen storms out, leaving secretary Miss Longfigger alone with her dreams. |Cubbage = Isn't Miss Longfigger lovely? Oh, I know you people won't think so, all bloody youth of today and what-have-you, but I, for one, would hit that with two crowbars! Shame she loves that Breen chappie. Still, he has done wonders for imports. }} |EpiNo = 18 |Image = |Date = 9th March 2009 |Length = |Description = Our reunited trio's jubilation is short-lived as Magnusson puts his terrible plan into action. |Cubbage = Well - there goes the neighbourhood! }} |EpiNo = 19 |Image = |Date = 11th March 2009 |Length = |Description = Wallace Breen, in his administratorial hubris, attempts to take on Mr. Nibbles and fails deliciously. |Cubbage = He ate the Administrator! That's a bit off, treating the saviour of humanity like a bloody all-you-can-eat finger buffet! Poor show, that. Bloody poor show. }} |EpiNo = 20 |Image = |Date = 13th March 2009 |Length = |Description = Wracked with guilt, Kleiner attempts to heal old wounds with an unappreciative Magnusson and fails painfully. |Cubbage = Bally eggheads - I've never liked them. They get together and the next thing you know, the whole Earth's under the dominion of evil aliens from another dimension. That's what your book-learning does for you! }} |EpiNo = 21 |Image = |Date = 16th March 2009 |Length = |Description = Magnusson regails Earl & Rod with the tale of why he hates Isaac more than they do: Isaac stole Judith Mossman from him. |Cubbage = I had a flashback once, donchaknow - it took me back to my days in the RAF! Swooping low, machine guns a-blaze, then getting my muffins toasted by some French Floozy smellings of cheap cologne, ah yes! Spiffing! Oh wait - that wasn't a flashback, it was a fantasy. Blast! }} |EpiNo = 22 |Image = |Date = 17th March 2009 |Length = |Description = Due to genetic defects, Mr Nibbles is defeated by Earl & Rod. Magnusson is stripped of his crown and Barney saves Isaac. |Cubbage = My word! The man was betrayed by his own headcrab that he'd raised and cared for by his own hand! That's offspring for you - take my daughter Ermintrude. Miserable little so-and-so she is! Me and her mother made every sacrifice, went without just to put shoes on her table and what does she do? Nothing but moan and complain that she isn't a girl, never has been and can we stop buying dresses for her. Ungrateful tart! }} |EpiNo = 23 |Image = |Date = 18th March 2009 |Length = |Description = Despite being zombified, Magnusson's love of Judith's breencasted voice allows our friends to make good their escape. |Cubbage = Saved by the flame-haired Mossman! I must admit, she's a fine filly - one that Cubbage would be all to eager to ride! I'd break her in like the red-haired mustang she - what's that dear? No dear, just dictating my comment for the comic. What? It IS a proper job! Well, I don't see you doing anything to help, all you bally do is hammer my credit card every month! Well why don't you then, you mop-headed strumpet! Go back to your bloody mother for all I care! I never - oh cripes, is this thing still on? Click }} |EpiNo = 24 |Image = |Date = 20th March 2009 |Length = |Description = Hearing rumours of Breen's delicious death, Billy Bullsquid and his band strike up a folksong about it, albeit prematurely. |Cubbage = Nothing like a cheerful tune to lift the spirits! I always like a good song. One about pummeling foreigners or maybe about the Queen - those are my favourites. I wrote one myself once you know - in honour of our lovely Princess Di. Finished it the evening, 30th August 1997. Played it on a loop with speakers pointed out of my window all day, so everyone could hear it. It was called 'Tunnel of Love', and had lines about how I'd love to crush her. In my arms. The crowds outside heard it all right. Barely got away with my bloody life! }} * Book 1